This is Not a Weight Loss Blog

this is the beginning. usually i would put this off with the intent of starting on a monday, because diets start on monday and beginnings are on monday and today is wednesday and who the hell starts anything on wednesday, but i am.

because i'm not putting off my start another day. i'm starting. today.

i've recently realized that i've spent the better part of eight years placing an order for an intricately roasted elephant. and today that elephant sits before me; it's consumption stands between me and the dessert bar--where all the stuff is that i want. but first: i have to eat this elephant.

most of this is going to be pretty boring stuff, but that's okay because as far as i know, i'm the only one who is going to read it. i tried a few online food journals--i like fitday and i like the way weight watchers online does it... but both of them make you search for the food and then figure out how much of it you ate. it's a big pain in my fat ass, which i do not need.

so i tried to format a food journal.. and so far that's working okay, but it's not fun. i need fun. i'm from fun country. so i thought i'd post the journal on a blog and viola. here we go.

this time is THE time. i've made promises to myself that i knew i wouldn't keep. i'm not making any promise to myself this time. i'm just going to do. all my life words have meant more me than actions. for now, i'll leave it at that. i have this elephant of self-image problems, trust issues and passiveness to start munching on right now...

here's my journal . it's wednesday. i begin today.


Wed
8am Full body workout - 10min trainer
9:15 Shakeology
11:15 til 40 Yogurt w/ strawb & GoLean w/ Water
1:til 15 Spinach, steak, straw, goat cheese salad w pear w/ Water
2:15 Coffee w/ milk & grapes

it doesn't look as nice on the blog as it does on my formatted daily journal but fuck it. this is mine.

how do i eat an elephant ? one. bite. at. a. time.

happy.

look at this old junk laying around...

it's been like an eon since i've done anything with this blog, but as willie says, it was always on my mind, so here are some yummy food pics to get the ball re-rolling on my food blog. poor little neglected thing that it is. these are tre' boring cheese sticks, but aren't they so cutely presented? almost like they're covered in confetti. and totally greasy-great. shortly after this photo, my little one lost her spaghetti. all over the booth in front of her. ah. family memories.

Speaking of family memories: what have we here? ah, it's the gorgeous meal we made for my father's birthday last month. after 66 years, he deserves the best. this was life-changing osso bucco with parmesan risotto, with sauteed mushrooms. there are also green beans and ..uh, what is that hiding back there, oh yeah, it's fresh home-baked sourdough biscuits rolled out with love from his own 66 year old self. too awesome.

What would a birthday be without a cake? it would be like just some regular day with an incredible meal, but we don't roll that way now do we? no sir. here is the made-from-scratch by my own little awesome niece chocolate peanut butter creme cake. it's a rich, deep dense chocolate cake with peanut butter whip in between its (count 'em) three layers, then frosted with said peanut butter whip with dark chocolate granache poured over the top. kill yourself now.

the cake was so freakin good that we used the "leftover" icing to make cupcakes. monster cupcakes that were way too awesome for the church bake sale but we gave them anyway, because that IS how we roll.

now for something completely unspecial and ordinary, but still completely and wholly awesome:

i took this one day to show that even if you're eating a frozen meal on a paper plate at your desk, you can still make it look pretty. this is a weight watchers roasted chicken meal with a delicious broccoli and tomato salad and steamed spinach (you can barely see it playing comfy pillow under the chicken.) oh so healthy. but pretty, too. just like me.

last month The Guy and i were treated to a home-cooked chinese meal by a real life chinese lady who is absolutely the cutest most awesome tiny, non-english speaking chef i've ever met. and i took pics. GALORE. so you come back now, ya hear!

me: bare: exposed: before

my relationship with food is emotional. also i am inactive. sedentary.

as a result, my body is flabby. round. ugly.

i am self-conscious for my boyfriend to see me naked. i know my stomach folds over at my belly button. my butt sags. i have dimpled fat on the back of my thighs. my chin is full. i'm inhibited in bed because of it.

i began gaining weight in 1988. 21 years ago. in that time, little by little...i've gained 61 pounds. almost 3 lbs a year. and it felt like that. maybe a little more in the pregnancy year. less in the divorce year. it's come on so slow. like the frog that relaxes in warm water until he is boiled to death, i have sat on the couch, slept late and now i'm about to bulge out of department store sizes.

i'm embarrassed to wear short sleeves. i can see the roll of my stomach, like an old man's beer belly when i sit at the laptop. the reflection in my screen makes me want to turn away.

and now. in the midst of my realization. i have met someone to love. when i examine myself, i can't give a passing grade. i want to be sexy for him. i want to make him want me. urge for me. inside. and out. i want to turn men's heads and bloat his ego on the fact that he has what any man would want.

except that i'm the chubby friend-type, i have everything otherwise makes a girl hot: i'm smart, without fear to show it. i'm witty. very attractive. i'm one of those people with great hair and skin: for no apparent reason. i have great eyes. these are the things that have gotten me where i am in the dating dept. so far. but i'm forty now. not quite mid-life, but getting there. its time to make a change. i want to stay in the game. i want to play with the big boys. run with the high rollers. be somebody.

i want to be sexy. i want wear a bikini top and a fringed wrap around scarf for a skirt. i want to be beautiful to look at. i want to have framed pictures of me. doing fun things.

he asked me about my weight about a year ago when we started dating. he had some weight to lose. wanted me to do a shake diet with him. not interested, i said. i was skeptical of the diet, but also pretty uncomfortable with the subject. no one aside from my mother had ever verbalized it with me. especially not a man. not my date.

he lost 30 lbs in about 3 months. it's been off for nearly a year.

i've lost about 8 lbs since last summer. maybe. the truth is, i don't track my weight, my food or my exercise. i couldn't tell you how many calories i have in a day or the last time i ran more than one or two minutes at a time. i smoke. i drink vodka. beer. i eat fried stuff.

we broke up last night. well, not officially. we'll have those few weeks of slowly declining phone calls, then mostly a text message here and there. one or two long, insightful emails and a booty call. or two. but the break up train left the station last night. and along with his divorce crazies, and the fact that my kids are too young for his comfort...the weight issue came up. i brought it up. but he didn't deny it. he wanted me to lose it. i said i wanted to lose it. i never did anything about it. its a year later.

i look in the mirror. the body i see is old. fat. repulsive.
i want a new body. it will not happen unless i try.
finally. at least give it a good try.

bike 30 mins a day
weights arm reps 2 days
running or treadmill 3 days

i will run a 5k in january. whether i'm ready or not. but i will be ready. i've lived in a bulky body for 21 years. that's enough.

tired of being tired

i started this blog as a personal journal. i don't think of it as something others would read. i don't publicize my other blog, but at least that one is meant for public consumption. this one. not so much. however if you by some weird reason you are reading this, i apologize for what i anticipate will be a long winded, self-absorbed pity-filled diatribe on how i don't like my body or how i feel in it, to say nothing of how i look in it.



so to reiterate: i'm not usually a whiner. but today i am.



i am tired. i'm tired when i wake up in the morning and i'm tired sitting here at this desk. i'm bored and tired. like i could go to sleep. and i can't help but think it's something i'm eating, or should be eating or a vitamin i should be taking or something.



i think it's movement. when i look in the mirror and see my stomach protruding out. i see my breasts hanging down, i can feel the underside of them laying on my skin. a body in motion, stays in motion. a body at rest, stays at rest. i'm at rest.

what i ate today

4 protein shakes
4 bottles of green tea
1 can slim fast

2 handfuls green grapes
2 handfuls ranch chex mix

1/4 c green beans
1/4 chicken breasts w/ broth-sauce
1/2 c broken capellini noodles w/ parmeasan&salt
1/2 c broccoli

1 finger-link of b'day cake frosting
1 single-serve container of sherbet

2 handfuls green grapes
3 glasses green tea

i ate this today

not necessarily in order... but close:

toasted english muffin w/ lowfat yogurt
poached egg
sliced tomato
salt
coffee w/ff creamer & splenda

ball of cotton candy
hot dog (w/ mustard & relish)

hot dog (same as above)
ball of cotton candy

3 handfuls of popcorn
hot dog w/ mustard and relish

chocolate b'day cake w/ icing ( 2 smaller-than-a-slice)
ball of cotton candy

hot dog (w/ mustard & relish)
1 dt. cherry dr. pepper
4 lime bud lights

about 24 cheese puffs
fingerful chocolate icing
plastic cup of purple kool aid

med slice of leftover pizza w/ tobasco
dt. cherry dr pepper

somewhat silent saturday

bright beautiful strawberries . sitting in my sink .

. in the colander .

from ikea . with doc